Some time ago, back in my previous life, although I had looks, intelligence, and money, I was constantly depressed and unhappy. I constantly focused on the negatives in life, and it seemed like there were an awful lot of things in life to be negative about. I was constantly the victim of circumstances, I felt. Most of the time, I felt I was the victim of circumstances inflicted on me by others. I was often even the victim of circumstances I had generated. I knew I was in a bad place, but I could not figure out exactly how I always gotten to the bad place, nor how to get myself out of it. To quote a classic platitude, I just could not see the forest for the trees.
It took a hard push from my life mentor to wake me up and to shake me up. Once I got over the shock of the event and thought over the things he told me, I realized he was correct in everything he had said. For those reading this who are like the old me, I want to explain the things he made me see – which eventually led to me becoming a new and happy person.
Current statistical studies published by the Harvard School of Medicine suggest that of all the people in this country who consider themselves to experience the ongoing condition of clinical depression, 24% have the illness due to a medical condition created by a chemical / enzyme imbalance in the brain or due to neurotransmitter disfunction. About 1% have it due to a physical injury or physical area deterioration in a part of the brain. So, what about the other 75% experiencing depression – what causes it? The person him / herself causes it. It is a choice. By and large, for most people but not all, depression is a choice.
- Someone says something you don’t like. You react negatively to it. You become depressed.
- Someone does something you don’t like. You react negatively to it. You become depressed.
- It is raining. You react negatively to it. You become depressed.
- You get a migraine. You react negatively to it. You become depressed.
- You choose the wrong route to get to the mall, and thus you get into a traffic jam. You react negatively to it. You become depressed.
- You go to visit your family and one or more of them are critical of you or of aspects of your life. You react negatively to it. You become depressed.
- You had a disagreement with your girlfriend. You react negatively to it. You become depressed.
- You try to tell a friend about your woes, but realize that the friend does not understand you at all. You react negatively to it. You become depressed.
- You enjoyed the holiday party yesterday, but today – you missed the positive feelings you experienced at the party, and so you react negatively to it. You become depressed.
- You are happy for your friend who seems to have an exceptional relationship with his / her significant other, but thinking about it leads you to think you will never find anyone for yourself that will love and understand you. You react negatively to it. You become depressed.
Do these things sound and feel familiar? What is the commonality among these things? In each and every case, the part “You react negatively to it. You become depressed” – DOES NOT JUST HAPPEN. YOU CHOOSE FOR IT TO HAPPEN. You choose to react negatively and you choose to become depressed. Depression is a choice.
The first part of the problem you have here is realizing that depression is in fact a choice, and then coming to accept and understand that you can choose against it, and also learning “how” to choose against it.
The second part of the problem you have is probably the biggest part of your problem. The biggest part of your problem is that there is too much “I” and “me” in your life.
- “ I hate this.”
- “That annoys me.”
- “She treats me”
- “I want this.”
- “I need that.”
- “I am depressed.”
- “I always feel like the world is closing in on me.”
- “I feel like all I do is sleep.”
- “I cried all day.”
- “I hate being around my family because all we do is argue.”
Again, does it all sound familiar? Are these the type things you focus on and talk / think about most of the time? What then is the problem here? There are way too many “I’s” and “me’s” in your life. While you must see to the basic necessities of your well-being, all these phrases have nothing to do with that. You need to get most of the “I’s” and “me’s” out of your vocabulary. Regardless of what your ego wants to believe, this whole thing is not just all about you. Your job is not to focus exclusively on yourself. Your job is not to judge. Your job is not to figure out if someone deserves something (other than your love). Your job is to lift the fallen, to restore the broken, and to heal the hurting. It is the doing of these things that brings happiness, satisfaction, and joy to your own life. Get your priorities straight.
The third part of your problem is strongly related to the second part. The third part centers around the concept of you needing to stop being concerned with what others do and say.
You must of course do your absolute best to make sure what you send out into the world is very positive. Most importantly though, you must remember that how others treat you is their path; how you react is yours.
But, there is more here. The concept of “you reacting to others” is key.
You absolutely must come to realize that every situation does not need a reaction from you. The vast majority of the time, you must leave other people to the insanity they project upon the world. The only ones who deserve a reaction from you are those whom you love, and those who love you. And I mean, real love here. For example, elements of your family who are more interested in “control” and thus mean you no good; this does not involve love [we will talk about real love shortly]. In short, you must stop being a reactive personality. Most of what happens to you involving other people – does not need a reaction from you. I am not talking about making a “polite society” verbal response here. That can happen without you having a committed and emotional, internal reaction. Learn the difference. Feel the difference. Master the difference.
If people should not be reacted to, then impersonal circumstance should not be reacted to. Do not “react” to a traffic jam. Doing so is foolish and useless. Each and every time you get upset, ask yourself – if you were to die tomorrow, would it still be worth being upset over?
So again, very little in this world needs or deserves a committed, emotional, and internal reaction from you. Only those whom you truly love, and those who love you – deserve reaction from you.
Choosing Not to be Depressed
With everything I have written here, I think you can see how it is that I can say that depression is a choice. If you are allergic to mayonnaise and you get a stomach ache when you eat it, over time – it becomes your automatic reaction (your choice) to not eat mayonnaise. Likewise, over time – as you actively and consciously choose not to be depressed, it will become an automatic habit. ‘Allergy to mayonnaise” and “depression,” there really is little difference in the two things.
Related to this concept of choice are a few more things worth thinking about:
- A mistake repeated more than once is typically called a decision.
- Each and every time you get upset, ask yourself – if you were to die tomorrow, would it still be worth being upset over.
- While we cannot undo that which is already done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it, and change ourselves – so that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear, or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love.
- Life is too short to start your day with broken pieces of yesterday. It will definitely destroy your wonderful today and ruin your great tomorrow.
- Life is not about avoiding the bruises. It is about collecting the scars that prove we showed up and took what we found, to become the better person we are now.
- On a personal, interactive level, never accept anything less than you deserve. Always remember that it is you and only you who teach people how to treat you.
- There is always choice. We say there is no choice only to comfort ourselves with the decision we have already made.
Make the ongoing choice not to be depressed every minute of your life. It is hard to get started, but once started – momentum builds and it quickly becomes an unconscious habit. You can do it; I did.
These mountains you are carrying – you were only supposed to climb them.
The True Definition of Love
Almost no one in this world knows or understands the true definition of love. When the average person hears the true definition, they tend to run away from it because it horrifies them and makes them afraid.
How now to define love? Love is not a state of perfect caring. Beyond the notion of caring and affection that does exist, love is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way they are, right here and right now.
There really is no such thing as “different kinds of love.” Those that say otherwise only use these differentiations to rationalize their positions in their own minds. Love is love, regardless to whom it is applied. The ideas of romance and intimacy are separate concepts – which do not always have to coincide with love. I might truly love my sister or my friend, but romance and intimacy seldom play a part here. I love my spouse / partner, and notions of romance and intimacy do apply. The point, again, is that these things are separate, and do not necessarily have to be related.
Now, an unusual question that no one ever considers. How is our love to be applied?
Most people are deeply scripted in what can be called the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. To them, if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everyone else. The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life. That is why a character trait that is essential to the Win / Win concept is the Abundance Mentality – the paradigm that there is plenty out there for everyone.
With all of this, you need to understand that love is not limited. It is not limited in terms of how many different people you can love at the same time, and it is not limited as to which people it can be applied to. I do not just love my mate / significant other. I love my closest friends, and since I love them – they are much, much more than friends. They hold me, they tell me they love me, they spend lots and lots of time with me, they take care of me in every possible way – and I do all the same for each of them. You need to love and be loved by more than just one person. You will be happiest when you have lots of love in your life.
In a private letter to someone, I wrote the following – which really sums things up: “All of us intuitively understand what we are, how we are different from the rest of the world, and why we are together. But, it’s always been hard to put into words and get it down on paper. I think I can do it now. I’ve been given a life where every moment is dominated by love, caring, and affection. Not just from those I’m married to, but from the thirteen other members of my family: fifteen people dedicated to my happiness and well-being. Yes, I can see it all clearly now.”
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in only those who truly love you.
I must also caution you that you cannot love or be loved by those who do not already understand this true definition of love. It just does not work. Also, you need to understand that there is no such thing as “the obligation of love.” This means that love exists only because it is deserved. You cannot and should not feel compelled to try and love someone just because they are blood-family, for example. Most family members DO NOT love you; they are merely interested in trying to control you. Learn the difference. Love happens because it is deserved.
One more caution. Be careful when love does exist along with romance and sexual intimacy. Eros refers to sexual intimacy and / or romance, as opposed to the true definition of love. For all those who have not gotten beyond the importance of “self,” and that includes the vast majority of people, eros is mere desire. Mere desire invariably leads only to pain. Most have not learned to resist the temptation posed by the darker side of eros, for that way lies only despair. And madness. Anyway, it is a far cry from love.
In Summary
Does it help to talk to someone, professional or otherwise, about the state of your mental health? Do it.
Do you feel you need professional help? Go for it – no one deserves it more than you.
Just remember while you are pursuing the help you need – that for most people (but certainly not all), depression and related mental health problems is nothing more than a personal choice.
Sandra Lynn Sandavol 